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Just keep moving, nothing to see here ...
I hate turning my journal into a downer place. I don't know why I have so much trouble dealing with this stuff. And this post is basically a whole giant mess of navel-gazing misery, so if you're not in the mood for that, definitely skip it! I've been unhappy and irritable the last few days, and I think this post basically grew out of that ...
I'm having another of those days where I'm a ball of upset and annoyance because White Collar fandom fails to appreciate my baby properly. I KNOWWWWWW. I irritate MYSELF when I'm like this; I can only imagine what it's like to be in the fandom with me.
It's just frustrating that it gets to me as much as it has. It's frustrating that it's colored my entire view of the show, and stripped out so much of the joy that I used to take in it. I'm not entirely sure if I'm going to be watching the show when it comes back in January. Right now I'm not feeling any particular anticipation or pleasure at the idea. I don't enjoy writing fic anymore. I tried writing a "Company Man" tag today, which maundered off into 1000 words of Neal pondering how much he resents Peter and how much easier his life would be if Peter had died, and I don't know, I just don't. *throws hands in air* I can't separate how I feel about the show anymore from how fandom has made me feel about it. Let me put it this way: the show that a lot of the fandom seems to be watching is a show I wouldn't want to watch. And increasingly, it's the show I see -- one in which the characters are unlikable assholes who emotionally abuse each other. This is not the show I started watching. It's not the show I want to see. When I'm being rational about it and not watching through other people's lens, it's not the show I do see. But I'm seeing less and less of that show (the one I like), and more and more of the other one ...
And I'm still bitter and resentful that I had so much fun writing the psychic!Neal story -- it was a delightful experience, and I was so proud of it, and a handful of the comments that I got on that story basically made me hate it; I haven't been able to go back and even look at it, or answer comments, or anything. I'm writing fanfic for the pleasure of it; why should I bother if it's going to be like that? But then I get annoyed with myself that it bothers me so much, because when it comes right down to it, I shouldn't let myself be influenced so much by what a tiny fraction of people think. It really is me, not them. I'm thin-skinned and hypersensitive and prone to going into these depressive spirals, and I hate being that way, but I'm currently not doing so good at learning healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with it.
Instead, I cope by being vindictive, and underhandedly getting back at people who've hurt me by writing fic that takes their level of petty unpleasantness and escalates the nastiness by an order of magnitude. In other words, I'll read a story in which Peter is a petty bastard, and it'll hurt like being kicked in the heart and I'll brood about it for days, so I'll "deal" with it by writing a story that escalates it to cartoony levels of EVIIIIL, or a story in which Neal is EVEN WORSE. It feels better in the short term, but in the long term, not only does it not help, but it drags the fandom down another couple of notches by spreading the unhappiness around.
(I should add that I'm not generally aware of doing this on a conscious level; it only becomes obvious to me when I look back on it afterwards.)
And god, I hate that part of myself, the passive-aggressively vindictive part. Unfortunately I seem to react to being unhappy by getting angry, and it's the anger I don't really know how to deal with, because it demands an outlet. I guess that writing miserable fic is better than a whole lot of other things that I could be doing (oh heavens, my coping mechanisms were SO MUCH WORSE ten or fifteen years ago that it doesn't even really bear thinking about). But it's the anger that makes it so hard to say, you know, actually it's not you people who are the problem, it's me that's the problem. I suspect that people are not writing Peter-is-a-bastard-and-Neal-is-a-woobie fic in a deliberate attempt to hurt and shame Peter fans, and heck, if they are doing it on purpose, then fuck 'em -- that's still no reason to let it get to me.
I keep thinking that I need something other than White Collar to distract myself with, something else to slot into that same fannish headspace to crowd out White Collar (and the set of bad headspace associations that have started going along with it for me). But let's be honest here: while it's true that WC fandom -- at least in my experience -- is pretty bad about character-bashing and it takes a certain amount of thick skin to be a Peter fan here (or, god forbid, a fan of most of the non-Elizabeth female characters; poor, POOR Sara-fans!), leaving is really only a temporary fix because I'm going to drag this exact same set of terrible coping mechanisms with me to whichever fandom I run to. And eventually I'm going to poison the well for myself in that fandom, too.
... aargh, this post is probably making me sound like a horrible person. ;_; But really, I've never articulated a lot of this stuff to myself before, and what I'm trying to do here is write it all out and then maybe find a solution. For the record, I'm not unhappy in WC fandom ALL the time. If that was the case, I wouldn't be conflicted about leaving at all! No, there's still an awful lot that gives me pleasure here, and a lot in the show that gives me pleasure. I just wish that I could find ways to increase the happy-to-unhappy ratio.
And what's keeping me from being able to do that, I think, isn't the unhappiness so much as the bitterness and anger that goes along with it. That's what I can't let go of, and that's what's keeping me in this unhappy headspace, because when someone hurts me (often by accident, I assume), I not only get miserable but also angry -- I seem to go into a revenge headspace, and can't really let go of that and just go on about my own business without feeling like I've somehow, I don't know, "lost". In this particular situation, it's not even aimed at specific people -- it's not like I have an enemies list or anything. Actually, for the most part, I am completely made of suck and fail at holding grudges; I usually can't even remember that someone's written something to upset me, which actually is contributing to the problem, because I can't remember whose fic I'm supposed to not be reading because it always upsets me. *facepalm* No, it's more of a generalized "FANDOM WORLD, I HATE YOU, NOW I'M GOING TO PUNISH YOU" sort of feeling. And it is damned hard to let go of, without feeling like I'm making a doormat of myself -- they get to hurt me, but I don't get to hurt them back. Except there's nothing I can do to "fight back" that won't be destructive to me and to people around me.
... yeah, I'm probably going to privatize this post before too long. But it was good therapy just writing all of this out, and trying to get it organized in my head in a way I never have before.
I'm having another of those days where I'm a ball of upset and annoyance because White Collar fandom fails to appreciate my baby properly. I KNOWWWWWW. I irritate MYSELF when I'm like this; I can only imagine what it's like to be in the fandom with me.
It's just frustrating that it gets to me as much as it has. It's frustrating that it's colored my entire view of the show, and stripped out so much of the joy that I used to take in it. I'm not entirely sure if I'm going to be watching the show when it comes back in January. Right now I'm not feeling any particular anticipation or pleasure at the idea. I don't enjoy writing fic anymore. I tried writing a "Company Man" tag today, which maundered off into 1000 words of Neal pondering how much he resents Peter and how much easier his life would be if Peter had died, and I don't know, I just don't. *throws hands in air* I can't separate how I feel about the show anymore from how fandom has made me feel about it. Let me put it this way: the show that a lot of the fandom seems to be watching is a show I wouldn't want to watch. And increasingly, it's the show I see -- one in which the characters are unlikable assholes who emotionally abuse each other. This is not the show I started watching. It's not the show I want to see. When I'm being rational about it and not watching through other people's lens, it's not the show I do see. But I'm seeing less and less of that show (the one I like), and more and more of the other one ...
And I'm still bitter and resentful that I had so much fun writing the psychic!Neal story -- it was a delightful experience, and I was so proud of it, and a handful of the comments that I got on that story basically made me hate it; I haven't been able to go back and even look at it, or answer comments, or anything. I'm writing fanfic for the pleasure of it; why should I bother if it's going to be like that? But then I get annoyed with myself that it bothers me so much, because when it comes right down to it, I shouldn't let myself be influenced so much by what a tiny fraction of people think. It really is me, not them. I'm thin-skinned and hypersensitive and prone to going into these depressive spirals, and I hate being that way, but I'm currently not doing so good at learning healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with it.
Instead, I cope by being vindictive, and underhandedly getting back at people who've hurt me by writing fic that takes their level of petty unpleasantness and escalates the nastiness by an order of magnitude. In other words, I'll read a story in which Peter is a petty bastard, and it'll hurt like being kicked in the heart and I'll brood about it for days, so I'll "deal" with it by writing a story that escalates it to cartoony levels of EVIIIIL, or a story in which Neal is EVEN WORSE. It feels better in the short term, but in the long term, not only does it not help, but it drags the fandom down another couple of notches by spreading the unhappiness around.
(I should add that I'm not generally aware of doing this on a conscious level; it only becomes obvious to me when I look back on it afterwards.)
And god, I hate that part of myself, the passive-aggressively vindictive part. Unfortunately I seem to react to being unhappy by getting angry, and it's the anger I don't really know how to deal with, because it demands an outlet. I guess that writing miserable fic is better than a whole lot of other things that I could be doing (oh heavens, my coping mechanisms were SO MUCH WORSE ten or fifteen years ago that it doesn't even really bear thinking about). But it's the anger that makes it so hard to say, you know, actually it's not you people who are the problem, it's me that's the problem. I suspect that people are not writing Peter-is-a-bastard-and-Neal-is-a-woobie fic in a deliberate attempt to hurt and shame Peter fans, and heck, if they are doing it on purpose, then fuck 'em -- that's still no reason to let it get to me.
I keep thinking that I need something other than White Collar to distract myself with, something else to slot into that same fannish headspace to crowd out White Collar (and the set of bad headspace associations that have started going along with it for me). But let's be honest here: while it's true that WC fandom -- at least in my experience -- is pretty bad about character-bashing and it takes a certain amount of thick skin to be a Peter fan here (or, god forbid, a fan of most of the non-Elizabeth female characters; poor, POOR Sara-fans!), leaving is really only a temporary fix because I'm going to drag this exact same set of terrible coping mechanisms with me to whichever fandom I run to. And eventually I'm going to poison the well for myself in that fandom, too.
... aargh, this post is probably making me sound like a horrible person. ;_; But really, I've never articulated a lot of this stuff to myself before, and what I'm trying to do here is write it all out and then maybe find a solution. For the record, I'm not unhappy in WC fandom ALL the time. If that was the case, I wouldn't be conflicted about leaving at all! No, there's still an awful lot that gives me pleasure here, and a lot in the show that gives me pleasure. I just wish that I could find ways to increase the happy-to-unhappy ratio.
And what's keeping me from being able to do that, I think, isn't the unhappiness so much as the bitterness and anger that goes along with it. That's what I can't let go of, and that's what's keeping me in this unhappy headspace, because when someone hurts me (often by accident, I assume), I not only get miserable but also angry -- I seem to go into a revenge headspace, and can't really let go of that and just go on about my own business without feeling like I've somehow, I don't know, "lost". In this particular situation, it's not even aimed at specific people -- it's not like I have an enemies list or anything. Actually, for the most part, I am completely made of suck and fail at holding grudges; I usually can't even remember that someone's written something to upset me, which actually is contributing to the problem, because I can't remember whose fic I'm supposed to not be reading because it always upsets me. *facepalm* No, it's more of a generalized "
... yeah, I'm probably going to privatize this post before too long. But it was good therapy just writing all of this out, and trying to get it organized in my head in a way I never have before.
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And I also know you're not into SGA anymore and that this will probably not help, but after reading your entry and how the feedback on one of your WC-stories made you unhappy I just had the urge to tell you that I still very much love your SGA-work (since SGA is still my only fandom, I can't say something about your work for other shows *sheepish look*).
Hope it gets either better soon or you find a new happy place to stay for a while.
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I haven't responded the way you have to any fandom to this extent, but I do understand the frustration at fannish behavior that seems wrong or counterproductive.
I try to remind myself "We're all watching different shows." And luckily I often have a bunch of like minded people to bond with and can let the rest go by.
But being an outlier in one's favorite fandom would be hard.
Best wishes to you.
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Would taking a short break from WC help, do you think? Perhaps some pinch-hitting for Yuletide if you aren't already signed up? There's something about small fandom love frenzy that can be remarkably restorative.
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The sad thing, is I'm in the process of leaving the White Collar fandom myself. I'm just finishing up the wildly AU longfic from hell, and then I'm out. Speaking as a Sara fan (and someone who just wants to see them stop badmouthing Kate in fanfic where she doesn't even show up)... Yikes. It's not a good place. It's more toxic than A:tLA is for Mai fans, if only because it's smaller and harder for a bunch of Sara fans to band together. Back when I got into WC fanddom, I was there for the fandom, much more than for the show, because I thought it would be a nice, friendly place, mostly free of ship wars, full of people who wrote nice, happy, threesome fic. It's not.
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Yes, this is a problem. My last fandom was Merlin, and while there was a lot of Gwen hate, it was easy for me to surround myself with Gwen-friendly people and communities. The hate was out there, but I never had to actually encounter it. But that's simply not possible in WC fandom, or, if it is, I haven't figured out a way to do it.
I thought it would be a nice, friendly place, mostly free of ship wars, full of people who wrote nice, happy, threesome fic.
Hah, yes. "Look, they don't bash Elizabeth! Finally, a fandom that doesn't hate its female character." I was young and naive.
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WC fandom tricked me.
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That was the thing about Harry Potter and Avatar fandoms, as notorious as they are, I could tuck myself into a corner of them, and be fine. Well, not so much HP, which is part of why I'm less active there, but mostly. *sigh*
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I get what you're feeling, though not perfectly, of course. Particularly not that bit about not holding grudges. (I am a champion grudge holder.)
White Collar fandom has a huge case of protagonist centered morality. Most fandoms do, but in WC fandom it's especially glaring, because the protagonist is a con artist. I mean, surely we can admit that lying to people and manipulating them is wrong! It is possible to be a Neal fan and still be frank about his flaws. This woobie Neal people keep seeing is boring. Neal's flaws are what make him interesting. Or at least that's what I think, as a Neal fan. Plus, it's just a plain disservice to his character to imagine that his psyche will crumble whenever Peter or Sara take a jab at him.
Sorry, that turned into a rant of my own.
Honestly, the only way I've found to make fandom less infuriating for me is to avoid large chunks of it, but I'm not sure how well that would work for you. (And it certainly doesn't work perfectly for me.)
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Re: Neal: you know, I just finished The Psychpath Test, and I keep meaning to make a post about how, although I don't think Neal is a psychopath (he clearly feels empathy), he would score quite high in certain areas on the test itself. So yeah, I'm probably guilty of woobie!Neal myself, but that's not the character we get in canon.
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I encourage you to do whatever makes you feel the best, and if that's leaving fandom, then totally go for it. But I want you to know how much I value what you contribute, because as someone whose views don't quite align with the majority of fandom, it's nice to see someone expressing what I see, but doing it more eloquently.
(And, uh, you know, if you ever truly do want to continue the psychic Neal verse, and you want a cheerleader, you know where to find me. Not that I want to pressure you! Just, I'm available.)
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You know, honestly, one of the things that helps keep me in fandom (besides the fact that I just can't let it go emotionally) is that every time I make one of these whiny posts, people are so incredibly supportive and warm and kind -- it is very humbling and flattering, and it makes me feel a little ashamed to get so stuck on the negative side of it when there is so much that's good in it too, and so many wonderful people that I would never have met if not for this silly show.
And to return it a little bit -- I absolutely adore your comments; long chewy comments are the kind I love the most, and you always give wonderful feedback. I feel bad sometimes for not being able to say much more than "thank you" when you've given me a huge long feedback comment, but I really do appreciate them very much and I'm always delighted when a comment notification from you pops up in my inbox!
*hugs*