I'm sorry you're feeling so gross. I wish I had a magic wand to make fandom a happy, shiny place. I hope you can stay in the fandom, but I hope even more that you do what's right for you, whatever that is. I don't think you're a horrible person. Nothing in this post gives me that feeling.
I get what you're feeling, though not perfectly, of course. Particularly not that bit about not holding grudges. (I am a champion grudge holder.)
White Collar fandom has a huge case of protagonist centered morality. Most fandoms do, but in WC fandom it's especially glaring, because the protagonist is a con artist. I mean, surely we can admit that lying to people and manipulating them is wrong! It is possible to be a Neal fan and still be frank about his flaws. This woobie Neal people keep seeing is boring. Neal's flaws are what make him interesting. Or at least that's what I think, as a Neal fan. Plus, it's just a plain disservice to his character to imagine that his psyche will crumble whenever Peter or Sara take a jab at him.
Sorry, that turned into a rant of my own.
Honestly, the only way I've found to make fandom less infuriating for me is to avoid large chunks of it, but I'm not sure how well that would work for you. (And it certainly doesn't work perfectly for me.)
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I get what you're feeling, though not perfectly, of course. Particularly not that bit about not holding grudges. (I am a champion grudge holder.)
White Collar fandom has a huge case of protagonist centered morality. Most fandoms do, but in WC fandom it's especially glaring, because the protagonist is a con artist. I mean, surely we can admit that lying to people and manipulating them is wrong! It is possible to be a Neal fan and still be frank about his flaws. This woobie Neal people keep seeing is boring. Neal's flaws are what make him interesting. Or at least that's what I think, as a Neal fan. Plus, it's just a plain disservice to his character to imagine that his psyche will crumble whenever Peter or Sara take a jab at him.
Sorry, that turned into a rant of my own.
Honestly, the only way I've found to make fandom less infuriating for me is to avoid large chunks of it, but I'm not sure how well that would work for you. (And it certainly doesn't work perfectly for me.)