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Just keep moving, nothing to see here ...
I hate turning my journal into a downer place. I don't know why I have so much trouble dealing with this stuff. And this post is basically a whole giant mess of navel-gazing misery, so if you're not in the mood for that, definitely skip it! I've been unhappy and irritable the last few days, and I think this post basically grew out of that ...
I'm having another of those days where I'm a ball of upset and annoyance because White Collar fandom fails to appreciate my baby properly. I KNOWWWWWW. I irritate MYSELF when I'm like this; I can only imagine what it's like to be in the fandom with me.
It's just frustrating that it gets to me as much as it has. It's frustrating that it's colored my entire view of the show, and stripped out so much of the joy that I used to take in it. I'm not entirely sure if I'm going to be watching the show when it comes back in January. Right now I'm not feeling any particular anticipation or pleasure at the idea. I don't enjoy writing fic anymore. I tried writing a "Company Man" tag today, which maundered off into 1000 words of Neal pondering how much he resents Peter and how much easier his life would be if Peter had died, and I don't know, I just don't. *throws hands in air* I can't separate how I feel about the show anymore from how fandom has made me feel about it. Let me put it this way: the show that a lot of the fandom seems to be watching is a show I wouldn't want to watch. And increasingly, it's the show I see -- one in which the characters are unlikable assholes who emotionally abuse each other. This is not the show I started watching. It's not the show I want to see. When I'm being rational about it and not watching through other people's lens, it's not the show I do see. But I'm seeing less and less of that show (the one I like), and more and more of the other one ...
And I'm still bitter and resentful that I had so much fun writing the psychic!Neal story -- it was a delightful experience, and I was so proud of it, and a handful of the comments that I got on that story basically made me hate it; I haven't been able to go back and even look at it, or answer comments, or anything. I'm writing fanfic for the pleasure of it; why should I bother if it's going to be like that? But then I get annoyed with myself that it bothers me so much, because when it comes right down to it, I shouldn't let myself be influenced so much by what a tiny fraction of people think. It really is me, not them. I'm thin-skinned and hypersensitive and prone to going into these depressive spirals, and I hate being that way, but I'm currently not doing so good at learning healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with it.
Instead, I cope by being vindictive, and underhandedly getting back at people who've hurt me by writing fic that takes their level of petty unpleasantness and escalates the nastiness by an order of magnitude. In other words, I'll read a story in which Peter is a petty bastard, and it'll hurt like being kicked in the heart and I'll brood about it for days, so I'll "deal" with it by writing a story that escalates it to cartoony levels of EVIIIIL, or a story in which Neal is EVEN WORSE. It feels better in the short term, but in the long term, not only does it not help, but it drags the fandom down another couple of notches by spreading the unhappiness around.
(I should add that I'm not generally aware of doing this on a conscious level; it only becomes obvious to me when I look back on it afterwards.)
And god, I hate that part of myself, the passive-aggressively vindictive part. Unfortunately I seem to react to being unhappy by getting angry, and it's the anger I don't really know how to deal with, because it demands an outlet. I guess that writing miserable fic is better than a whole lot of other things that I could be doing (oh heavens, my coping mechanisms were SO MUCH WORSE ten or fifteen years ago that it doesn't even really bear thinking about). But it's the anger that makes it so hard to say, you know, actually it's not you people who are the problem, it's me that's the problem. I suspect that people are not writing Peter-is-a-bastard-and-Neal-is-a-woobie fic in a deliberate attempt to hurt and shame Peter fans, and heck, if they are doing it on purpose, then fuck 'em -- that's still no reason to let it get to me.
I keep thinking that I need something other than White Collar to distract myself with, something else to slot into that same fannish headspace to crowd out White Collar (and the set of bad headspace associations that have started going along with it for me). But let's be honest here: while it's true that WC fandom -- at least in my experience -- is pretty bad about character-bashing and it takes a certain amount of thick skin to be a Peter fan here (or, god forbid, a fan of most of the non-Elizabeth female characters; poor, POOR Sara-fans!), leaving is really only a temporary fix because I'm going to drag this exact same set of terrible coping mechanisms with me to whichever fandom I run to. And eventually I'm going to poison the well for myself in that fandom, too.
... aargh, this post is probably making me sound like a horrible person. ;_; But really, I've never articulated a lot of this stuff to myself before, and what I'm trying to do here is write it all out and then maybe find a solution. For the record, I'm not unhappy in WC fandom ALL the time. If that was the case, I wouldn't be conflicted about leaving at all! No, there's still an awful lot that gives me pleasure here, and a lot in the show that gives me pleasure. I just wish that I could find ways to increase the happy-to-unhappy ratio.
And what's keeping me from being able to do that, I think, isn't the unhappiness so much as the bitterness and anger that goes along with it. That's what I can't let go of, and that's what's keeping me in this unhappy headspace, because when someone hurts me (often by accident, I assume), I not only get miserable but also angry -- I seem to go into a revenge headspace, and can't really let go of that and just go on about my own business without feeling like I've somehow, I don't know, "lost". In this particular situation, it's not even aimed at specific people -- it's not like I have an enemies list or anything. Actually, for the most part, I am completely made of suck and fail at holding grudges; I usually can't even remember that someone's written something to upset me, which actually is contributing to the problem, because I can't remember whose fic I'm supposed to not be reading because it always upsets me. *facepalm* No, it's more of a generalized "FANDOM WORLD, I HATE YOU, NOW I'M GOING TO PUNISH YOU" sort of feeling. And it is damned hard to let go of, without feeling like I'm making a doormat of myself -- they get to hurt me, but I don't get to hurt them back. Except there's nothing I can do to "fight back" that won't be destructive to me and to people around me.
... yeah, I'm probably going to privatize this post before too long. But it was good therapy just writing all of this out, and trying to get it organized in my head in a way I never have before.
I'm having another of those days where I'm a ball of upset and annoyance because White Collar fandom fails to appreciate my baby properly. I KNOWWWWWW. I irritate MYSELF when I'm like this; I can only imagine what it's like to be in the fandom with me.
It's just frustrating that it gets to me as much as it has. It's frustrating that it's colored my entire view of the show, and stripped out so much of the joy that I used to take in it. I'm not entirely sure if I'm going to be watching the show when it comes back in January. Right now I'm not feeling any particular anticipation or pleasure at the idea. I don't enjoy writing fic anymore. I tried writing a "Company Man" tag today, which maundered off into 1000 words of Neal pondering how much he resents Peter and how much easier his life would be if Peter had died, and I don't know, I just don't. *throws hands in air* I can't separate how I feel about the show anymore from how fandom has made me feel about it. Let me put it this way: the show that a lot of the fandom seems to be watching is a show I wouldn't want to watch. And increasingly, it's the show I see -- one in which the characters are unlikable assholes who emotionally abuse each other. This is not the show I started watching. It's not the show I want to see. When I'm being rational about it and not watching through other people's lens, it's not the show I do see. But I'm seeing less and less of that show (the one I like), and more and more of the other one ...
And I'm still bitter and resentful that I had so much fun writing the psychic!Neal story -- it was a delightful experience, and I was so proud of it, and a handful of the comments that I got on that story basically made me hate it; I haven't been able to go back and even look at it, or answer comments, or anything. I'm writing fanfic for the pleasure of it; why should I bother if it's going to be like that? But then I get annoyed with myself that it bothers me so much, because when it comes right down to it, I shouldn't let myself be influenced so much by what a tiny fraction of people think. It really is me, not them. I'm thin-skinned and hypersensitive and prone to going into these depressive spirals, and I hate being that way, but I'm currently not doing so good at learning healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with it.
Instead, I cope by being vindictive, and underhandedly getting back at people who've hurt me by writing fic that takes their level of petty unpleasantness and escalates the nastiness by an order of magnitude. In other words, I'll read a story in which Peter is a petty bastard, and it'll hurt like being kicked in the heart and I'll brood about it for days, so I'll "deal" with it by writing a story that escalates it to cartoony levels of EVIIIIL, or a story in which Neal is EVEN WORSE. It feels better in the short term, but in the long term, not only does it not help, but it drags the fandom down another couple of notches by spreading the unhappiness around.
(I should add that I'm not generally aware of doing this on a conscious level; it only becomes obvious to me when I look back on it afterwards.)
And god, I hate that part of myself, the passive-aggressively vindictive part. Unfortunately I seem to react to being unhappy by getting angry, and it's the anger I don't really know how to deal with, because it demands an outlet. I guess that writing miserable fic is better than a whole lot of other things that I could be doing (oh heavens, my coping mechanisms were SO MUCH WORSE ten or fifteen years ago that it doesn't even really bear thinking about). But it's the anger that makes it so hard to say, you know, actually it's not you people who are the problem, it's me that's the problem. I suspect that people are not writing Peter-is-a-bastard-and-Neal-is-a-woobie fic in a deliberate attempt to hurt and shame Peter fans, and heck, if they are doing it on purpose, then fuck 'em -- that's still no reason to let it get to me.
I keep thinking that I need something other than White Collar to distract myself with, something else to slot into that same fannish headspace to crowd out White Collar (and the set of bad headspace associations that have started going along with it for me). But let's be honest here: while it's true that WC fandom -- at least in my experience -- is pretty bad about character-bashing and it takes a certain amount of thick skin to be a Peter fan here (or, god forbid, a fan of most of the non-Elizabeth female characters; poor, POOR Sara-fans!), leaving is really only a temporary fix because I'm going to drag this exact same set of terrible coping mechanisms with me to whichever fandom I run to. And eventually I'm going to poison the well for myself in that fandom, too.
... aargh, this post is probably making me sound like a horrible person. ;_; But really, I've never articulated a lot of this stuff to myself before, and what I'm trying to do here is write it all out and then maybe find a solution. For the record, I'm not unhappy in WC fandom ALL the time. If that was the case, I wouldn't be conflicted about leaving at all! No, there's still an awful lot that gives me pleasure here, and a lot in the show that gives me pleasure. I just wish that I could find ways to increase the happy-to-unhappy ratio.
And what's keeping me from being able to do that, I think, isn't the unhappiness so much as the bitterness and anger that goes along with it. That's what I can't let go of, and that's what's keeping me in this unhappy headspace, because when someone hurts me (often by accident, I assume), I not only get miserable but also angry -- I seem to go into a revenge headspace, and can't really let go of that and just go on about my own business without feeling like I've somehow, I don't know, "lost". In this particular situation, it's not even aimed at specific people -- it's not like I have an enemies list or anything. Actually, for the most part, I am completely made of suck and fail at holding grudges; I usually can't even remember that someone's written something to upset me, which actually is contributing to the problem, because I can't remember whose fic I'm supposed to not be reading because it always upsets me. *facepalm* No, it's more of a generalized "
... yeah, I'm probably going to privatize this post before too long. But it was good therapy just writing all of this out, and trying to get it organized in my head in a way I never have before.
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