Still here. Still thinking.

[sholio]

There's still a lot of posting going on, around the fandom blogosphere, on racism and the recent unbecoming actions of profic authors and their fans/friends/supporters. rydra_wong, lovely and hardworking person, is continuing to post comprehensive roundups a couple of times a day.

I'm reading, and thinking about it, and talking things over with a couple of friends outside the public circle of LJ. I think that's about all I can manage right now.

One post I wanted to link to, though, is this one by ciderpress. For all of it, but especially for this:

However, in the intense and almost singular focus on clueless white people in this discussion and the often repeated statement that this was an opportunity to dialogue, that there is solace in the fact that it has been worth all the pain and difficulty, that they are somehow *glad*, the underlying assumption is that:

* PoCs have emotional/intellectual catharsis after such discussions.

* PoC's pain being part of an educational moment for clueless white people is worth it to PoCs because it's worth it to white people.

* Anti-racism matters the same amount, in the same way to clueless white people, allies and PoC.

My own personal answer is, frankly no, I haven't felt any kind of catharsis. I'm pretty sure that the sacrifice of my dignity and watching other PoC being denigrated without any remorse isn't worth it so please stop talking for me and be more precise in your speech and own that you didn't really think about whether my pain and humiliation is worth your enlightening moment. And I can't walk away after a discussion and it's not about having a choice (even a forced one) about writing or not writing characters that are in my head. When we talk about race, we are often talking about our lives, it's deeply personal, it's how we related to the world, to people, to media, to everything.

This. Yes.

Right now I'm balancing my anxiety about being silent (and leaving the burden on others to argue, comfort, debate, cajole and explain) with my anxiety of trying to turn the internet into my Personal Arguing Machine (TM Warren Ellis) and engaging in debate for all the wrong reasons -- as well as balancing that with the need to disengage and take a breath and think about other things for a while.

I want to help, but I don't want to hurt under the guise of helping; that's worse than just staying out of it.

Comments

[flingslass.livejournal.com]

I read the post but it just seems so pat to say something when ciderpress feels so much pain. I mean I don't know what to say.

ciderpress blows my mind, always

[rydra_wong]

FWIW, things that I sometimes find it helpful to remember, when I manage to remember them:

It is often better and more productive to step back, breathe, and take time to think through things than to try to participate while your head is exploding, which just gets messy. Exploding allies help no-one.

If I don't post or contribute right now this very second, I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and find that all discussion of race in fandom and sf/f is suddenly over and I missed my chance. It's not going to be over for a long damn while, and thus it makes sense to pace yourself for the long haul.

The debate will probably not collapse for lack of my Very Important Thoughts About What I As A White Woman Think About This (I find this comforting, as well as surprisingly hard to remember).

Listening never hurts. Yes, there's the danger of only listening and using it as an excuse to avoid putting yourself on the line, but I don't think you're in danger of that right now (you argued with Shetterly; I'm pretty sure you get hazard pay for that ...).

You can always link and point at other people saying smart things (one of the many reasons I linkspam so compulsively).

Oh, and boggling at the SPARKLY UNICORN ORGASM TWILIGHT WANK will help cleanse and refresh your brain.

(I already successfully inflicted it on delux_vivens, so sharing the horror around is only fair *g*.)

[miscellanny.livejournal.com]

For my part, I know that I'm not particularly articulate and the odds of being misread on the internet are very, very great. So I read, and I try to learn, and I try to make sure that it affects the way that I behave, speak and react in the real world. And I try to make sure that I make clear why I'm behaving, speaking and reacting like that whenever it is appropriate; considering I'm a teacher, the appropriate time quotient is higher. It's the same thing I do with debates on gender and sexual preferences, although I have rather more direct experience in that debate - I make sure to challenge careless and hurtful language use and behaviour, and to take a second to explain why I'm doing it, and it spreads. Now pretty much all the teachers I work with challenge use of the word gay as an insult, and - at least when I'm around - some of the kids I work with are doing it too. It's not much, but I think it's worth more than my garbled attempts at internet coherency would be. :D

[beadattitude.livejournal.com]

I want to help, but I don't want to hurt under the guise of helping; that's worse than just staying out of it.

YES. I tried to help one day and ended up getting my foot all up in my mouth. Not really, but I felt like I did.

[aelfgyfu_mead]

I've found myself in much the same boat. I've mostly kept my mouth shut and read a lot. I finally posted a little something; I'm torn between feeling that it's not enough and that anything I can say would be at best superfluous after people like ciderpress and deepad and a few other people have posted.

I've gotten into a few of these discussions myself, not on LJ but on discussion boards in other places, and I always ended up feeling drained and that I had not in fact convinced anyone of anything, and probably stuck my foot in my mouth at the same time. So I'm partly just being a coward this time. An awful lot of people who need to listen, though, don't seem to be doing any listening.

[livrelibre.livejournal.com]

I've been mostly listening, linking a little (to that same wonderful post as well) and having similar anxieties. FWIW I've appreciated your posts.

[blucola.livejournal.com]

I figure that if I have to wrack my brain to find something to add to a discussion, then it's just as well that I lurk and simply learn from others. Which I have, to be honest. There are way more eloquent people out there than myself. LOL

[leenys.livejournal.com]

Having read this and another post on the subject, dare I ask what the heck is going on?