Rarrr. And also, *whine*.

[sholio]

I'm tired of my fannish experiences putting me in a bad headspace. I know that it's my own fault for continuing to engage when I know it does bad things to me, but it still makes me tired and cranky.

And I'm not really sure what to do about it, because I want to be in fandom, but right now it doesn't seem like I can deal with it emotionally, and I don't know why. All I know is that one of my happiest things used to be fanning: ficcing and vidding and meta-ing and cheerfully picking apart the flaws in imperfect shows while still loving them for all the ways they didn't suck. But right now, trying to do any of that seems to end in me sulking around the house, yelling at the dogs for no reason. (They've started avoiding me.)

I don't know if it's the shows or the fandom or me, or all of the above. Maybe I'm just a bad fit for the fandom I'm trying to be a part of. Maybe it's all me and I'm going into another depressive period, but I really don't think so because my other happy things in life still make me cheerful -- I just have more trouble focusing on them when fandom is making me unhappy.

I still love fandom, but every time I dip my toe, it feels like I get sucked into a quicksand pool of despair and gloom. (My own, not other people's, necessarily.) I haven't written anything in days, except bitchy comments in other people's posts. All I have to show for my week so far, creatively at least, is a world-class case of gloom.

And, yeah, I know there are people in the world who have real problems and this is a stupid thing to obsess over, but at least ranting about it in my journal gets it out of my head so I can focus on more useful things, eh?

Comments

[amalthia]

You've lived in Alaska longer than I, but could it just be winter??? I know I've been more down in the dumps than happy lately. And even with fandoms I love I'm having such a hard time engaging and I can't figure it out.

I've also gone through phases where I did stuff not remotely fandom related and I think the breaks kind of helped...maybe everyone hits a burn out point?

[friendshipper.livejournal.com]

... huh. You know, it might be interesting to look over the last few years and see if these fannish slumps seem to regularly correspond to wintertime. I never thought that I had a problem with it, but I know quite a few people who do.

I think there is also definitely something to be said for taking a break from fandom every once in a while, especially when the fandom is as contentious as it is right now.