Rarrr. And also, *whine*.

[sholio]

I'm tired of my fannish experiences putting me in a bad headspace. I know that it's my own fault for continuing to engage when I know it does bad things to me, but it still makes me tired and cranky.

And I'm not really sure what to do about it, because I want to be in fandom, but right now it doesn't seem like I can deal with it emotionally, and I don't know why. All I know is that one of my happiest things used to be fanning: ficcing and vidding and meta-ing and cheerfully picking apart the flaws in imperfect shows while still loving them for all the ways they didn't suck. But right now, trying to do any of that seems to end in me sulking around the house, yelling at the dogs for no reason. (They've started avoiding me.)

I don't know if it's the shows or the fandom or me, or all of the above. Maybe I'm just a bad fit for the fandom I'm trying to be a part of. Maybe it's all me and I'm going into another depressive period, but I really don't think so because my other happy things in life still make me cheerful -- I just have more trouble focusing on them when fandom is making me unhappy.

I still love fandom, but every time I dip my toe, it feels like I get sucked into a quicksand pool of despair and gloom. (My own, not other people's, necessarily.) I haven't written anything in days, except bitchy comments in other people's posts. All I have to show for my week so far, creatively at least, is a world-class case of gloom.

And, yeah, I know there are people in the world who have real problems and this is a stupid thing to obsess over, but at least ranting about it in my journal gets it out of my head so I can focus on more useful things, eh?

Comments

[tipper-green.livejournal.com]

Well, you know that I'm having the exact same problem, to the point where I can't even check my LJ more than once a week. It's a personality trait--when things get so bad there's no point in arguing anymore, I just walk away. I got sick of canon bashing, so I left. I'm a wuss. I actually admire you for still getting involved--it's what makes you such an awesome and loyal person, I think.

Ironically, walking away from the fandom doesn't mean that I stopped writing for the show. I had to write a story for a present, so, apparently, I'm not completely dead. Maybe just moribund...LOL! But, honestly, now that time has passed and I no longer see the constant bashing, I can watch the show and just enjoy them, without fearing responses, and I was able to write (whereas, two months ago, there wasn't a chance I could write anything). I like reading old fic, and watching the eps on hulu, just 'cause I can, has been a lot of fun. I think someone else suggested reading old fic, and I really think that helps alot....

I really do hope you come back from the funk, because you're one of the best in the fandom and losing you would be a very big shame.

[friendshipper.livejournal.com]

And I really couldn't have asked for anything nicer, given where I'm currently sitting on the fulcrum between fannish and non-fannish, to have found a notification for your fic in my inbox when I got home this evening! (And one reason why it was nice to see that was because you'd been so low-key lately that I was a little bit worried you were in the process of leaving the fandom yourself; it was delightful to see that, no, you've just been writing a long story! :D)

As you've seen from my other posts, I guess, I'm feeling more chipper ... I guess I just got to the point where I realized that I didn't want to dislike the show, and I didn't want to feel as if I had to, and if that meant I had to avoid certain segments of the fandom for awhile, then I would just do that.

The crux of the problem, I guess, is that some of the people I really like in the fandom, who I really enjoy interacting with, are on the "making me feel less fannish" end of the emotional continuum right now. And I'm not just going to cut off my contact with them ... but I also think I can still get the social interaction that I want while steadfastly not clicking on links and cuts that I know will take me to discussions I don't want to read.