Rarrr. And also, *whine*.

[sholio]

I'm tired of my fannish experiences putting me in a bad headspace. I know that it's my own fault for continuing to engage when I know it does bad things to me, but it still makes me tired and cranky.

And I'm not really sure what to do about it, because I want to be in fandom, but right now it doesn't seem like I can deal with it emotionally, and I don't know why. All I know is that one of my happiest things used to be fanning: ficcing and vidding and meta-ing and cheerfully picking apart the flaws in imperfect shows while still loving them for all the ways they didn't suck. But right now, trying to do any of that seems to end in me sulking around the house, yelling at the dogs for no reason. (They've started avoiding me.)

I don't know if it's the shows or the fandom or me, or all of the above. Maybe I'm just a bad fit for the fandom I'm trying to be a part of. Maybe it's all me and I'm going into another depressive period, but I really don't think so because my other happy things in life still make me cheerful -- I just have more trouble focusing on them when fandom is making me unhappy.

I still love fandom, but every time I dip my toe, it feels like I get sucked into a quicksand pool of despair and gloom. (My own, not other people's, necessarily.) I haven't written anything in days, except bitchy comments in other people's posts. All I have to show for my week so far, creatively at least, is a world-class case of gloom.

And, yeah, I know there are people in the world who have real problems and this is a stupid thing to obsess over, but at least ranting about it in my journal gets it out of my head so I can focus on more useful things, eh?

Comments

[rheanna27.livejournal.com]

I can empathise; I've gone through periods like that, and will do again, I'm sure. My break up with Angel fandom was similar; I had been very fannish about the show right up to the end of its fourth season, and then the fifth season involved a major retooling of the whole set-up as well as the departure of one of my favourite characters. I hung around for a while trying to recapture the joy, but it felt like I was forcing it and I drifted away because I couldn't sustain that level of involvement for something I didn't love anymore. It's very hard to break up with a fandom when you've been in it for a long time - it leaves a big hole that can't be immediately filled.

The best advice I can give is, if you're not feeling it, don't try to force yourself, as you'll only end up feeling more frustrated. Go off and do other stuff for a while, and sooner or later something will come along that engages you again; it always does.

[friendshipper.livejournal.com]

Yeah; I've left fandoms before, but never when I was this involved with the social side of the fandom. I'm kind of in "wait and see" mode right now; I don't want to lose the fandom, and I really don't think my love for the show is irretrievable. I just keep tripping over the things that pushed me away in the first place whenever I try to come back. Maybe I need to extend my fannish vacation a bit.