Rarrr. And also, *whine*.

[sholio]

I'm tired of my fannish experiences putting me in a bad headspace. I know that it's my own fault for continuing to engage when I know it does bad things to me, but it still makes me tired and cranky.

And I'm not really sure what to do about it, because I want to be in fandom, but right now it doesn't seem like I can deal with it emotionally, and I don't know why. All I know is that one of my happiest things used to be fanning: ficcing and vidding and meta-ing and cheerfully picking apart the flaws in imperfect shows while still loving them for all the ways they didn't suck. But right now, trying to do any of that seems to end in me sulking around the house, yelling at the dogs for no reason. (They've started avoiding me.)

I don't know if it's the shows or the fandom or me, or all of the above. Maybe I'm just a bad fit for the fandom I'm trying to be a part of. Maybe it's all me and I'm going into another depressive period, but I really don't think so because my other happy things in life still make me cheerful -- I just have more trouble focusing on them when fandom is making me unhappy.

I still love fandom, but every time I dip my toe, it feels like I get sucked into a quicksand pool of despair and gloom. (My own, not other people's, necessarily.) I haven't written anything in days, except bitchy comments in other people's posts. All I have to show for my week so far, creatively at least, is a world-class case of gloom.

And, yeah, I know there are people in the world who have real problems and this is a stupid thing to obsess over, but at least ranting about it in my journal gets it out of my head so I can focus on more useful things, eh?

Comments

[jadesfire2808.livejournal.com]

*joins the fannish meh group*

Like the others around here, I've been watching shows that give me the happy (Criminal Minds, Numb3rs) but where the fandom is either low-key or I don't feel the need to participate. I decided a while back to make my flist my fandom, and that's made a big difference to me. There are still dramas and problems, but at least with people I know I feel I can *do* something.

It's hard to fan on a show when you're not getting the buzz - I have 2 stories to write, then I think I'm actually done with SGA, which is something I've known really since sga_santa. I won't lose friends over it (I hope) since fannish drift hasn't done that to me before, and maybe I'll be in a better state of mind for my RL and the shows that make me happy.

I really hope you find your happy again soon!

[friendshipper.livejournal.com]

Awww, I'm sorry to hear you're drifting out, though I hope you find happier, better fannish pastures on which to browse. ^_^

I think one of the reasons why I keep getting drawn back into fandom is because my whole f'list is (obviously) fannish, and I have trouble avoiding the fic and the meta that's everywhere ... and then I'm back in the land of the dramallama again. *sighs* It's definitely more comfortable skirting along the edges, but I can't seem to stay there.

[jadesfire2808.livejournal.com]

I think I'm pretty mono-fannish anyway - I moved from House to Torchwood/Doctor Who to SGA and am now shifting to Criminal Minds - and I had trouble coming up with something for my sga_santa mostly because I felt I'd said all I wanted to say about these characters. I pushed them pretty hard over the course of my stories, and I really don't feel I have many loose ends to tie up. *shrugs* I'll keep reading, probably, but the writing's just dried up, and I'm okay with that.

The make-up of my flist is probably the difference for me, though - only about 2/3 of it is fannish at all, and 2/3 of them are into different fandoms to me. But we all seem to muddle along, and that keeps me muddling along as well :) I think it's also a consequence of Torchwood fandom, which got *scary* for a while there and sent a lot of us running back to our flists, reluctant to prod the dramallama ever again...

[friendshipper.livejournal.com]

Heh. Torchwood. I think it's probably a good thing that I didn't really have a chance to be fannish about it for very long -- there was a period of about two weeks from the time I mainlined season 2 (and the Owen arc, which is what really sold me on the show) and the finale, which killed my love for the show deader than, well, half the cast! I had just enough time to start poking around and reading a bit of fic, but not enough to be drawn into the drama, which I heard just enough about to scare me. ^^;;

[amalthia]

"which killed my love for the show deader than, well, half the cast!"

rofl...your phrasing made me laugh so hard. :)

[friendshipper.livejournal.com]

*grins*

And Jack can be counted on both sides, really ...