![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
I probably shouldn't post this, but I'm trying to work a lot of this out in my own head.
I've seen rumors that the last two episodes of SGA have been leaked. (My God, what is with the episode leaks for that show, anyway?)
And ... I really don't care. The last time advance episodes were leaked, I just about drove myself crazy trying to find places to download them, but this time, I'm just not interested. I'm not really sure if I'm going to be watching those two eps when they finally air, either.
It's the weirdest thing; over the last few weeks, and especially this past week, it's like all the reasons that people keep giving for why the show isn't worth watching have snowballed until a switch flipped over, and I saw. And that was it -- the show and its characters aren't in my head anymore. They no longer give me pleasure.
And I'm bitter about it. I'm bitter as hell about it, and I'm trying really hard not to be, because it's nobody's fault, really, except maybe mine for not realizing that I'd be this affected by other people's disenchantment with the show.
I never wanted to cut myself off from fandom. I never even wanted to filter my reading and posting so that I was only interacting with the relatively small number of fen who were still enjoying the show. But really, reading fan reactions and fic for the last few months has been like having someone hovering over my shoulder and constantly jogging my elbow to point out the show's less attractive qualities. And the more it's pointed out, the more times it's pointed out, the more I see it, until it's finally gotten to the point where it's all I see. I can't really think of any way to phrase this that doesn't sound like I'm blaming fandom for my own loss of interest in the show, which is something that I'm really, really trying not to do. Everyone else is entitled to dislike it as much as they want, for perfectly valid reasons. I should have disengaged sooner. I didn't, and it cost me something I valued, and I have only myself to blame now.
I'm not one of those people who can stay in a fandom if I don't like canon. For me, it's all about love of canon -- wanting to extend and expand and build on it. Canon's the foundation. And without a love of canon, there's no way that I can make myself be interested and invested in the fic.
I really had to struggle to finish the Camelot story, because during the time I was working on it, it was getting harder and harder to slip into the characters' voices. There were parts of it that I really enjoyed writing, and a few parts of it that genuinely made me feel for them like I used to. But towards the end, I just wanted to get it done out of completeness, because I didn't want to have yet another unfinished WIP hanging over my head for all eternity, especially one that was so silly and pointless. I turned comments off on the story because I didn't want to hear anything about it, good or bad. I just didn't want to think about it anymore. But people are commenting in other threads anyway, so what the hell; I went and turned comments back on, because at least that'll keep them together in one place. I don't have comment notifications turned on, though, and I probably won't respond if people do comment on it. I don't really think I've got the mental oomph for it right now.
I don't want to be angry at the fandom, though, because being in this fandom has really been a wonderful experience for me in so many ways. I've met a lot of fantastic people; I've made some really good friends that I'd never have known otherwise. For that alone, it would all have been worth it. I'm not even sure to what extent I'm going to move out of the fandom. I know that right now, I want very little to do with the show and have little interest in its fic, but most of my f'list is still SGA-centric and I'm certainly not going to mass-defriend and stalk off in a huff. I've swung in and out of fandoms before, and it's always possible that I'll be lured back. My fan obsession with SGA has been longer, deeper and just different from my other fannish experiences, so I really have no idea how it's going to fall out in the long run.
Needless to say, if you're here for SGA stuff, there probably won't be much to see. There's one more story that's already written; it's a Secret Santa story for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
sheppard_hc that will be posted on the 24th when that particular fic exchange is unveiled. Beyond that, I've apologetically backed out of the other ficathons that I'd signed up for, because what I really just need is to have some breathing room and fan on other things for a while. I certainly won't take it personally if you defriend me; every day is defriending amnesty around here, and I know a lot of people are just here for the SGA. And I truly don't know where I'll be going with this fandom in the future. I already miss it, damn it. I've been making up adventures for these people for almost three years; it's freaking weird to not hear their voices anymore. This is going to sound insanely stupid, but I've actually had trouble falling asleep the last couple of nights. I always spin myself little stories to fall asleep at night, and for the last three years it's been mostly SGA -- but the familiar sorts of stories don't work anymore, because I don't enjoy them. It's strange and disconcerting.
I'm not posting this for sympathy or to have people try to talk me back into the fandom. I'm just working this stuff out "aloud" and, well, explaining why you might not want to leave me on your f'list if you're just here for the SGA stuff. I don't expect there will be negative posts about the show in particular, because I just don't work that way; I've already found something new to squee about, and I'd rather write those sorts of posts than this sort.
And ... I really don't care. The last time advance episodes were leaked, I just about drove myself crazy trying to find places to download them, but this time, I'm just not interested. I'm not really sure if I'm going to be watching those two eps when they finally air, either.
It's the weirdest thing; over the last few weeks, and especially this past week, it's like all the reasons that people keep giving for why the show isn't worth watching have snowballed until a switch flipped over, and I saw. And that was it -- the show and its characters aren't in my head anymore. They no longer give me pleasure.
And I'm bitter about it. I'm bitter as hell about it, and I'm trying really hard not to be, because it's nobody's fault, really, except maybe mine for not realizing that I'd be this affected by other people's disenchantment with the show.
I never wanted to cut myself off from fandom. I never even wanted to filter my reading and posting so that I was only interacting with the relatively small number of fen who were still enjoying the show. But really, reading fan reactions and fic for the last few months has been like having someone hovering over my shoulder and constantly jogging my elbow to point out the show's less attractive qualities. And the more it's pointed out, the more times it's pointed out, the more I see it, until it's finally gotten to the point where it's all I see. I can't really think of any way to phrase this that doesn't sound like I'm blaming fandom for my own loss of interest in the show, which is something that I'm really, really trying not to do. Everyone else is entitled to dislike it as much as they want, for perfectly valid reasons. I should have disengaged sooner. I didn't, and it cost me something I valued, and I have only myself to blame now.
I'm not one of those people who can stay in a fandom if I don't like canon. For me, it's all about love of canon -- wanting to extend and expand and build on it. Canon's the foundation. And without a love of canon, there's no way that I can make myself be interested and invested in the fic.
I really had to struggle to finish the Camelot story, because during the time I was working on it, it was getting harder and harder to slip into the characters' voices. There were parts of it that I really enjoyed writing, and a few parts of it that genuinely made me feel for them like I used to. But towards the end, I just wanted to get it done out of completeness, because I didn't want to have yet another unfinished WIP hanging over my head for all eternity, especially one that was so silly and pointless. I turned comments off on the story because I didn't want to hear anything about it, good or bad. I just didn't want to think about it anymore. But people are commenting in other threads anyway, so what the hell; I went and turned comments back on, because at least that'll keep them together in one place. I don't have comment notifications turned on, though, and I probably won't respond if people do comment on it. I don't really think I've got the mental oomph for it right now.
I don't want to be angry at the fandom, though, because being in this fandom has really been a wonderful experience for me in so many ways. I've met a lot of fantastic people; I've made some really good friends that I'd never have known otherwise. For that alone, it would all have been worth it. I'm not even sure to what extent I'm going to move out of the fandom. I know that right now, I want very little to do with the show and have little interest in its fic, but most of my f'list is still SGA-centric and I'm certainly not going to mass-defriend and stalk off in a huff. I've swung in and out of fandoms before, and it's always possible that I'll be lured back. My fan obsession with SGA has been longer, deeper and just different from my other fannish experiences, so I really have no idea how it's going to fall out in the long run.
Needless to say, if you're here for SGA stuff, there probably won't be much to see. There's one more story that's already written; it's a Secret Santa story for
sheppard_hc that will be posted on the 24th when that particular fic exchange is unveiled. Beyond that, I've apologetically backed out of the other ficathons that I'd signed up for, because what I really just need is to have some breathing room and fan on other things for a while. I certainly won't take it personally if you defriend me; every day is defriending amnesty around here, and I know a lot of people are just here for the SGA. And I truly don't know where I'll be going with this fandom in the future. I already miss it, damn it. I've been making up adventures for these people for almost three years; it's freaking weird to not hear their voices anymore. This is going to sound insanely stupid, but I've actually had trouble falling asleep the last couple of nights. I always spin myself little stories to fall asleep at night, and for the last three years it's been mostly SGA -- but the familiar sorts of stories don't work anymore, because I don't enjoy them. It's strange and disconcerting.I'm not posting this for sympathy or to have people try to talk me back into the fandom. I'm just working this stuff out "aloud" and, well, explaining why you might not want to leave me on your f'list if you're just here for the SGA stuff. I don't expect there will be negative posts about the show in particular, because I just don't work that way; I've already found something new to squee about, and I'd rather write those sorts of posts than this sort.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif){kind=small}
Page 1 of 5