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Jurassic World Dominion
Orion and I watched this last night. I had heard that it was bad. It is indeed very, very bad. However, it actually turns into a much better movie halfway through, for a value of better which is basically that the second half of the movie is one long sequence of people getting chased by dinosaurs through pretty scenery, which is what we all want from a Jurassic Park movie. There are some really nice dinosaur-chase action sequences and some pretty dinosaurs and also some epically stupid plot, but the first half of the movie has the epic stupid but very little of the other two aspects.
Also:
a) I was unprepared for my nostalgia feelings seeing the original trio back together.
b) This movie is actually GREAT original-trio OT3 shipping fodder. The movie clearly thinks it's shipping Ellie and Dr. Sam Neill (sorry, I can't remember his actual name and two hours of movie wasn't helpful at making it stick), but there is at least one nice shippy scene for every individual sub-combo of the three of them.
There is a lot of competition for the stupidest thing that happens in this movie, but one of the main contenders is a scene of such epic, hilarious lack of plausibility that I of course immediately had to go on Youtube and see if anyone had posted it there, which fortunately someone had.
Please enjoy this scene in which a pterodactyl (technically a quetzalcoatlus, as the characters helpfully inform us) eats a jet.
(The dinosaur-related part starts at about 1:10. I should add that during the entire ejection-seat prep sequence which follows the attack, we were announcing loudly to the screen that you're about to eject her into a flock of pterodactyls, you absolutely maroon, but do they listen to us? No.)
(ETA: Actually, I just rewatched the jet attack and their general inability to comprehend that dinosaurs don't stop existing when you can no longer see them is charming in a way.
Dinosaur: *sweeps across plane at around 400 mph, vanishes*
Morally shady pilot: It's gone, we're sa--
Dinosaur: *plunges beak through roof*
Pilot: NEVER MIND, BRACE FOR CRASH LANDING!
Dinosaur(s): *no longer visible*
Pilot: There's an ejection seat with a parachute, but it's just that one passenger seat there, not my seat for some reason.
Chris Pratt to his character's (I guess) wife: You can take the only ejection seat! Save yourself! Let me strap you in.
Us: Are you sure you want to launch her INTO THE SKY FULL OF PTERODACTYLS???
Ejection seat: *foomph*
Chris Pratt's character's wife: AAAAAAAAA!!
Dinosaurs: Lunch on a string!)
So that's one of my main contenders for the dumbest thing that happens in a movie that's full of extremely dumb things. The other main one is whenEvilCo BioSyn, the villainous genetic engineering corporation whose world domination plan is basically "Destroy the world's food supply, ?????, profit!!", sets fire to the valley full of dinosaurs using a horde of giant flaming locusts. Because I wasn't wholly paying attention to most of the movie unless something hilarious happened or a dinosaur tried to eat someone (drink!), I failed to take in the exact explanation for this, but it's one of two things:
1. Their plan for disposing of the evidence of their genetic crimes is actually just "set fire to locusts, release them,profit avoid prison."
2. The lab in which they keep the locusts includes flamethrowers in the walls in case they have to get rid of the locusts (this part is definitely canon, it's how the locusts were set on fire in the first place) but WOOPS it also includes a large air vent through which the flaming locust swarm escaped and are now setting fire to everything in their path.
(I initially assumed #1 but am pretty sure it's actually #2.)
Anyway, there ARE actually some genuine highlights, including some really beautiful effects and dinosaur sequences (there's a scene with Chris Pratt and morally shady pilot lady who I genuinely liked (no, I can't remember anyone's names) on a frozen lake with a feathered swimming raptor stalking them from under the ice that's probably 100% implausible but also exciting and pretty) and the original trio are genuinely delightful even if most of the dialogue is ridiculously dumb. Dichen Lachman plays a villainous lady dressed all in white with a really cool wrist-mounted dinosaur control device, which was a highlight of the dull and slow-moving first half of the movie, but then both she and all traces of the device vanish halfway through because the first half of this movie (plot) is only loosely stapled to the second half (dinosaurs chasing people). A dinosaur control device sure would've been useful when all those dinosaurs were trying to kill people, huh!
I also appreciated that none of the dinosaur control measures in the valley which was built explicitly to contain and study dinosaurs are actually effective or dinosaur-proof in any way. The #1 idiotic design decision is a research platform for studying dinosaurs in the forest which is a) exactly on face level, i.e. people-eating level for the large dinosaurs, and b) accessed by an incredibly slow, clanking, retractable metal ladder which descends sloooooooowly with absolutely no safety measures around it, so you just get to watch the hunting dinosaurs close in while you wait for the slooooooow metal ladder. Then you have to climb it while kicking raptors in the face. A+ safety design.
This was incredibly dumb, probably not worth seeing in the theater, but absolutely worth watching with popcorn and a laptop to occupy me whenever the dialogue grew too idiotic to bear and no dinosaurs were available to chase anyone.
Also:
a) I was unprepared for my nostalgia feelings seeing the original trio back together.
b) This movie is actually GREAT original-trio OT3 shipping fodder. The movie clearly thinks it's shipping Ellie and Dr. Sam Neill (sorry, I can't remember his actual name and two hours of movie wasn't helpful at making it stick), but there is at least one nice shippy scene for every individual sub-combo of the three of them.
There is a lot of competition for the stupidest thing that happens in this movie, but one of the main contenders is a scene of such epic, hilarious lack of plausibility that I of course immediately had to go on Youtube and see if anyone had posted it there, which fortunately someone had.
Please enjoy this scene in which a pterodactyl (technically a quetzalcoatlus, as the characters helpfully inform us) eats a jet.
(The dinosaur-related part starts at about 1:10. I should add that during the entire ejection-seat prep sequence which follows the attack, we were announcing loudly to the screen that you're about to eject her into a flock of pterodactyls, you absolutely maroon, but do they listen to us? No.)
(ETA: Actually, I just rewatched the jet attack and their general inability to comprehend that dinosaurs don't stop existing when you can no longer see them is charming in a way.
Dinosaur: *sweeps across plane at around 400 mph, vanishes*
Morally shady pilot: It's gone, we're sa--
Dinosaur: *plunges beak through roof*
Pilot: NEVER MIND, BRACE FOR CRASH LANDING!
Dinosaur(s): *no longer visible*
Pilot: There's an ejection seat with a parachute, but it's just that one passenger seat there, not my seat for some reason.
Chris Pratt to his character's (I guess) wife: You can take the only ejection seat! Save yourself! Let me strap you in.
Us: Are you sure you want to launch her INTO THE SKY FULL OF PTERODACTYLS???
Ejection seat: *foomph*
Chris Pratt's character's wife: AAAAAAAAA!!
Dinosaurs: Lunch on a string!)
So that's one of my main contenders for the dumbest thing that happens in a movie that's full of extremely dumb things. The other main one is when
1. Their plan for disposing of the evidence of their genetic crimes is actually just "set fire to locusts, release them,
2. The lab in which they keep the locusts includes flamethrowers in the walls in case they have to get rid of the locusts (this part is definitely canon, it's how the locusts were set on fire in the first place) but WOOPS it also includes a large air vent through which the flaming locust swarm escaped and are now setting fire to everything in their path.
(I initially assumed #1 but am pretty sure it's actually #2.)
Anyway, there ARE actually some genuine highlights, including some really beautiful effects and dinosaur sequences (there's a scene with Chris Pratt and morally shady pilot lady who I genuinely liked (no, I can't remember anyone's names) on a frozen lake with a feathered swimming raptor stalking them from under the ice that's probably 100% implausible but also exciting and pretty) and the original trio are genuinely delightful even if most of the dialogue is ridiculously dumb. Dichen Lachman plays a villainous lady dressed all in white with a really cool wrist-mounted dinosaur control device, which was a highlight of the dull and slow-moving first half of the movie, but then both she and all traces of the device vanish halfway through because the first half of this movie (plot) is only loosely stapled to the second half (dinosaurs chasing people). A dinosaur control device sure would've been useful when all those dinosaurs were trying to kill people, huh!
I also appreciated that none of the dinosaur control measures in the valley which was built explicitly to contain and study dinosaurs are actually effective or dinosaur-proof in any way. The #1 idiotic design decision is a research platform for studying dinosaurs in the forest which is a) exactly on face level, i.e. people-eating level for the large dinosaurs, and b) accessed by an incredibly slow, clanking, retractable metal ladder which descends sloooooooowly with absolutely no safety measures around it, so you just get to watch the hunting dinosaurs close in while you wait for the slooooooow metal ladder. Then you have to climb it while kicking raptors in the face. A+ safety design.
This was incredibly dumb, probably not worth seeing in the theater, but absolutely worth watching with popcorn and a laptop to occupy me whenever the dialogue grew too idiotic to bear and no dinosaurs were available to chase anyone.